When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him with criminals, one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said…

“Act now! For a one time fee of just $250, I will teach you how to make the most of your spiritual gifts. Now you can be just like my best disciples and know what I have called you to do, where I want you to serve, and how My Kingdom can best use you!” 

As the skies began to turn black and the people gathered, Jesus again spoke. “Buy my book. It will teach you how to get the best life God has planned for you. It’s the only way you’ll ever know your purpose in this life. Just $29.99 at any local bookstore.”

Looking down at his most beloved disciple Jesus spoke once more. “Behold my servant John, whom I am now giving sole ownership of my beach house near the Sea of Galilee. It is a wonderful place for churches, small groups and families to take a retreat and grow closer to God. John, remember the going rate is $2,000 per week.”

At about the ninth hour, Jesus spoke again. “Just a few short hours left for me to teach you my award-winning seminar on finding your place in God’s world. Because the time is short, I’ll slash the price in half and only charge the low, low fee of $600 per family. Thousands have been through this program and have found forgiveness for their sins and a new path to the Almighty. This is the final time this course is being offered. Hurry. The gates of Heaven are closing soon.”

What the Bible Actually says…

“In the temple he found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers sitting there. And making a whip of cords, he drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and oxen. And he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables. And he told those who sold the pigeons, “Take these things away; do not make my Father’s house a house of trade.”
-John 2:14-16